1. |
Snowed In
05:05
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In a timeless daze, detached
I can never erase
And I dream of altered praise
And a restlessness reclaimed
Every time it comes around,
It seems to bear a little more of my mind
And my prickly, sprouting spines
To leave the dark with the light
My simple life's just that
But it's only left me feeling
so empty
and alone
on a dreary Sunday
Snowed in
I'm snowed in
left only with what I had stowed in foresight
when I felt compelled to plan for future days
If only there weren't so much to separate us,
Would we feel alone?
Now snow blind,
When a frigid bright erupts and I can't see
All the days for all their possibilities
December disappeared before my eyes
I slept for days on end
If only there weren't so much to separate us,
Would we feel alone?
If only..
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2. |
Catastrophist
04:40
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if i'm alone
when I have grown
don't take me home
in that gruesome gloam
within these pallid walls
collapsed and all
awash with rust
neglected hush
i catastrophize
god i know it
we're dusty brooms and all the dust consumed
we're filthy fumes and bright refuse
we're light and dark; we're light and dark infused
in simple sounds we holler out
while nuance does abound through our veins
while we wriggle 'round truths we think we've found
perhaps they shape us? maybe break us
it seems more likely that our flighty, fictitious forms
are mighty sure we're raw
we're dusty brooms and all the dust consumed
we're filthy fumes and bright refuse
we're light and dark; we're light and dark infused
a scopophobe
in the mirror's hold
a moth's light aglow
mesmorizing monotone
i catastrophize
god i know it
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3. |
Insomnia
05:20
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I'm stuck talking to my pillow
Late at night 'cause I'm scared
of silent diatribes
And all I can do is fill up
All of the space all aware
That I'm projecting
Or is it that I'm deflecting?
I should have committed
To sleep when I was higher
But now the corners in my room
Shake with self-slander
And apprehension grips me
Like a shrinking jacket
I'm kicking the sheets
Throwing fits with the sheep
Knowing I'm incomplete
A sketch
Unfinished
Unheard
Unseen
Now I'm hyper-aware
Of every nook and cranny
Where a blunderbuss's dust amasses
A leviathanian paranoia
That all we ever do is trite
And if that's true, which it might be,
Then we're alone
So I take another hit
As if that will make me
Feel better in the long run
7am and the wind is howling
Now I'm sick of my sloth
But I'm tired of trying
So I have another and another and another and another
Cup of joe
Draw the shades
On another
Inconsequential day
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4. |
Recidivism
04:03
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I want what you want
And what I want
To mesh in a way I don't think do
I still sleep alone most nights
Divided
Twisted in a coil
Full of wishful thinking and clouded reason
It swelled, it overwhelmed
The joy I felt
And while it slipped away,
It bore no weight
I was grateful it had come at all
(I sure know what it's like to sleep alone)
There's this melody I'm humming on the drive
"Comfort me"
On a quiet infinite night
There's this fantasy
Reflecting a beam inside my eyes
That there isn't grief
In fatalism's plight
There's this melody
And it's only served to lie
That there's some relief
To recidivism's prying eyes
I want what you want
And what I want
To mesh in a way I don't think do
I still sleep alone most nights
Divided
(I'm finding it bizarre // dripping off the eaves)
I want what you want
And what I want
(springtime a steady stream of rain)
To mesh in a way I don't think do
(singing a refrain)
I still sleep alone most nights
Divided
(hold me close as the wind blows silent)
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5. |
Good Days
03:32
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it's all a drifting mirage
we're all amid a scene in a bad dream
the final tally leaves us even, i figure
for the colors bleeding down
are specters of the sounds of the "good days"
threadbare solipsism
drowning, i know
still, i can't help
from believing i won't make peace
from believing my soul is make believe
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6. |
Lavender
04:14
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It seems that eventually
Everyone's got their reason to leave
There's a tarnishing that creeps up
and threatens to seize everything
and you said that
the lavender keeps you at ease
well i haven't found my salve
for that mechanized whirring // whirring:
"it's not worth it"
that beckoning breaking me down
I'm alone as I fade through the days
an irritant like your tv's static plague
i'm unspooling and fetal
upon the kitchen floor
at 3am; your phantom limb
where you used to hold me
now, I have grown into it
with ivy-lattice dissidence
that holds up my indifference
a grimy, sour shell
internalizing every well-meaning word
dissonantly and eventually
it starts breaking me down
i wish i knew how
to not be at odds
with myself
imagine how that would sound!
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7. |
Every Day's the Same
02:13
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{ everyday'sthesame }
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8. |
Monomania
05:01
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Shout into the void
To only hear it shout back at me
There's a thorn in my foot
So I step hard-heeled on it
Just to watch it bleed
And I watch it bleed
You were a leech to me
so I could only breathe unfeelingly
My siphon serene
I watch it bleed
Leave it alone!
There's no sense roiling up the bees
This I bemoan, this monomania:
That I'm approximately seen
Caught in blurs and saturation
Of the days when i sedated
With the dusked and agitated
Restlessness anticipating you
Now in approximation
My wires crossed, potentiation
Far too often deviating from absolute
I am mistaken through
All those nights i feared you hated me
For leaving like a craven
When to say that we were worth the labor
Is to say it understatedly
Shout into the void
To only hear it shout back at me
it doesn't calm you down the way you want
it only leaves you numb and reeling
(all that shouting)
it doesn't calm you down the way you want
it only leaves you dumb unfeeling
(all that shouting)
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9. |
On the End
05:20
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I'm ruminating on the end again
With dissipation on my mind, I pretend
I'm afraid that's all that I can do
To reliably eschew my panic
I'm ruminating on the end again
This empty set where nothing lies within
The beginning's spark is a siren song
Withdrawn, I cry for the endless yawn
I'm left wondering:
What is there to care about?
I'm out wandering,
contorting,
and ensnared by doubt
Would you warmly hold me through the night?
There's little else that stills my running mind
God I'm a sucker for your love
What a bramble!
What a reassuring numb!
I'm shrinking like a flower in the night
The ever-present chill leaves me resigned
While fear's enticing for the damned,
I hold the amaranthine conceit: I am I am Iam
When I'm left wondering:
What is there to care about?,
Softly, solemnly I figure
I should spare my doubts
leaves fallen quiet
rusty and golden
on the brick
underneath my pacing
i'm trodding
through the wasting of a daydream
it's prickling
and hastily we're racing
into the silent night
it's long
it's sharp
it's immuring and spiteful
i can't help but worry
that in the end
you'll leave
for my neuroses
are such a pain to handle
with your own
always rearing up their head
succinct and honed
in the brittle morning light
still, i do try my best to try
the dearth of love
makes it all the more precious
as i'm swinging with my eyes closed
and i'm falling and the time slows
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